Choosing to Foster: A Family's Legacy of Love

"Nearly three decades ago, an ad appeared in the newspaper seeking a foster family for a baby girl with Down Syndrome. My parents, Dina and Mussa Berlin, didn't hesitate and reached out," recalls Rabbi Gilad Menachem Berlin, their eldest son. This wasn't a trivial decision, and with admiration, Rabbi Gilad Menachem elaborates on his parents' character: "My parents have hearts of gold, and to them, fostering was the natural choice."

When a family applies to foster a child, welfare services conduct a thorough evaluation to ensure their intentions are genuine and that they are suited for fostering. "Although I was already married at the time, we were also required to visit the welfare office in Tel Aviv," says Rabbi Berlin.

After successfully completing the assessments, a four-month-old baby girl arrived at the Berlin household. Named Noga, she was born with Down Syndrome and had been abandoned at birth, spending months in the hospital before being placed in foster care.

A year later, a similar ad appeared for a baby boy, also with Down Syndrome. "My parents decided it would be wonderful for Noga to have a brother like her, and so baby Elchanan joined the family, receiving love and care not only from my parents but also from my four teenage sisters."

"Maybe This Is Right for Us"

As the two babies flourished under his parents' roof, another turning point arose.

About a year after the arrival of the second baby, the welfare office approached the Berlin family again, seeking their assistance. This time, it wasn't a case of abandonment. The story involved parents of a newborn with Down Syndrome who found it too challenging to raise him, and they were involved in the search for a suitable foster family. "The welfare representatives turned to my parents for help in finding a foster family. Although they couldn't host a third child with Down Syndrome in their home, they agreed to temporarily care for him," recalls Rabbi Gilad Menachem.

Weeks passed and Rabbi Berlin and his wife Tamar eagerly searched for a suitable family in their community, but they were unsuccessful.

"As time went on and no family was found, we began to think—a thought occurred to us. While reaching out to families that seemed appropriate, we realized that maybe we were the right fit all along. We had reservations, and today, I admit we didn't fully grasp what we were taking on," Rabbi Gilad Menachem candidly admits.

The family sought guidance from the late Rabbi Mordechai Eliahu, who clarified that they were not obligated to foster the child should no family be found. "We knew we weren't bound to take him, yet the decision weighed heavily on us." They received advice from the late Rabbi Chaim Druckman, who had fostered a child and had a daughter with Down Syndrome. "Rabbi Druckman strongly encouraged and blessed us to take this step, and with his blessing, we accepted the child."

Your own children were quite young at the time. Were you worried about how the new baby might fit in with them?

"Absolutely. We were uncertain about the medical implications of the syndrome and the demands it might place on us, like trips to hospitals and treatments. Thank Hashem, Nachman (a pseudonym due to his status) turned out to be healthy and required minimal medical care, which we couldn't anticipate. Importantly, we resolved from the outset not to 'lose it', but rather to offer Nachman a warm and loving family."

The First to Run and Hug

Tell us about when Nachman joined your family.

"Nachman came to us 26 years ago as a two-month-old baby and fit seamlessly into our family. Many people aren't aware he's not our biological child. About a year after he arrived, we had another baby, and gradually, thank Hashem, we had seven more children. Given the size of our family, there has always been a child at home around his mental age level, which hasn't advanced beyond that of a young child. As a family, we gained a cheerful and loving child full of charm. Every time I came home, he was the first to run and hug me. He is a musical child who loves songs and even attended music school for a time. He has a good memory and enjoys books and weekly Torah stories. He connects easily with others and is often found dancing with the groom at weddings. From a communal standpoint, we live in the settlement of Kedumim, where the community embraced him lovingly. Volunteers have looked after him over the years, and during summer, there are camps for special education children run by local youth."

How does Nachman get along with your biological children?

"Overall, Nachman blended in beautifully. The kids loved him, and for them, it was natural. Especially the younger ones, who grew up knowing this reality both with us and my parents. However, it was sometimes more challenging. For example, some kids were embarrassed to bring friends over because of Nachman's unusual behavior or comments. We occasionally addressed these issues with them, seeking their feelings about the situation. Despite the challenges, we never heard complaints about choosing to foster Nachman. And I don't think any of them ever shied away from bringing friends home in the end."

Were there other challenges?

"Certainly. It's not an easy decision to take in a child who isn't biologically yours, creating dilemmas. For instance, a newborn requires constant care and parental attention, like night feedings and diaper changes. A young child is always a challenge. Thank Hashem for the parental instincts Hashem endowed us to handle this mission, pushing us to invest in the child even when it's tough.

"Fostering a baby involves care that doesn't always come easily, as an instinct is missing. Caring for such a baby stems from a conscious decision to meet the commitment we've taken on, though it's not always simple. Yet, there are things he received more than anyone else by being a special child."

Two Sets of Parents

The diverse challenges were counterbalanced by sources of strength that helped the Berlin family navigate them. Rabbi Gilad Menachem explains: "A verse in Psalms says, 'Blessed are they who maintain justice, who do righteousness at all times.' The sages interpret this as referring to someone who brings an orphan into their home, for in raising and constantly tending to their needs, continuous kindness is performed. Regular acts of kindness have an end, but this is perpetual."

Rabbi Berlin describes another pivotal source of support: "Fostering involves guidance from a social worker, and being foster care, not adoption, the arrangement can end. There were times we considered if it was time to pass the baton. Of course, it wasn't an easy decision, and when such thoughts arose, we began a process of ending the foster care yet never completed it. We always realized how attached we were to Nachman and how impossible parting was for us." Rabbi Gilad Menachem pauses and adds, "In a way, knowing we could choose to end it gave us the strength to continue, as we chose it anew each time."

About 20 years ago, when their eldest son was ready for first grade, they sought a more religious framework than the public religious school in their settlement. When none was available within a reasonable distance, the Berlin family took the initiative to open one. This new institution underwent transitions until it found a permanent home. Rabbi Gilad Menachem served as its manager and did so until recently.

Managing a school demanded much of you and your wife. How did you balance this with raising a large family and Nachman?

"In practical terms, raising Nachman aligned with raising the rest of our children. Thank Hashem, he didn't have significant medical needs, as a result, caring for him wasn't unusually challenging; he was a child like any other. On a value level, raising him seemed to fill us with a sense of empowerment and mission. Although not constantly conscious of it, subconsciously, it imparted a continuous feeling of purpose.

"In addition, when it comes to my management role at the school, fostering carried a meaningful and educational message to the students. When students are aware of tangible actions behind your teachings, it amplifies the impact."

Do you maintain contact with Nachman's biological family?

"Nachman is also blessed with biological parents and siblings, and we keep in good touch with them. They care about him, visit regularly, and bring gifts. We struggled with how to explain the situation to him when he began to comprehend more. However, it turned out he took it much easier than we did. For him, just as everyone has two sets of grandparents, he sees himself as having two sets of parents and is completely satisfied with that. He calls my wife and me 'Mom' and 'Dad', as well as his biological parents."

When Nachman reached school age, they prioritized sending him to a suitable Torah-enhanced setting. "Ohel Sarah" school in Bnei Brak seemed the best fit, and his secular biological family respected and supported this decision. "The bio family expressed appreciation for his upbringing, and his grandparents were notably moved by Nachman's connection to Torah and Judaism, reminiscent of the previous generation."

In a Perpetual Mission

The Berlin family hears from couples contemplating fostering: "We share our experience. When we sought guidance from Rabbi Druckman, he encouraged us to go for it; however, we tend not to persuade others. We simply demonstrate a successful foster story, always reminding that there are other scenarios, like health issues or emotional difficulties for biological kids to consider."

Has fostering changed you as people and parents?

"We're naturally reserved and composed. Nachman brings lots of joy and liveliness. He needs and seeks warmth and hugs. While it can be harder to nurture a non-biological infant, Nachman received more affection from us than anyone. Moreover, being a foster family means carrying a perpetual mission, adding purpose and depth to our lives."

The foster care typically ends at 21. What happened in Nachman's case?

"We carefully considered what would come next," Rabbi Gilad Menachem reveals. "Thank Hashem, we discovered a residence run by 'Ali Shich' in the Rahelim settlement for adults like Nachman. He lives there with four others, and staff manage their daily needs. They also work in community roles like creating crafts, helping in large kitchens, and packing for stores. Their work provides them value and purpose, while offering workplaces needed support. Men's talk of marriage comes up,— it's not yet feasible, although there's precedent. We understand his need to feel central, like a groom, so year-round, on events like his birthday, we celebrate him. Notably, Nachman adores holidays; the Jewish calendar keeps his spirit bright, moving from one to the next."

In recent years, two of Rabbi Berlin s sisters also chose to foster, taking in "typical" children this time. Now, the family counts six foster children across the board, with three having Down Syndrome. "When people see our family has several special kids, they ask if it's genetic," Rabbi Gilad Menachem says with a smile. "My sister replies that fostering is our genetic trait."