Great Is the Reward: How Much Should We Honor Our Parents?

The Talmud tells how Rabbi Tarfon honored his elderly mother. Whenever his mother needed to get into or out of bed, he would bend down so she could step on him and support herself! He was very wealthy and could have provided her with countless servants, but he preferred to fulfill the commandment personally. One Shabbat, while his mother was walking in the courtyard, the strap of her shoe tore, leaving her foot bare. Rabbi Tarfon immediately came, bent down, and placed his hands under her feet, and she walked on his hands until she reached her bed. (Kiddushin 31b, Jerusalem Talmud Peah Chapter 1)

Once Rabbi Tarfon fell ill, and our sages came to visit him. His mother said to them: Pray for my son Rabbi Tarfon, for he treats me with such honor! They asked her: What honor does he show you? She told them. They said to her: Even if he did this a thousand thousand times - he would not have reached even half the honor required! (Pesikta Rabbati Ch. 23)

Rav Yosef was blind, and when he would hear the sound of his mother's footsteps, he would stand up and say: I am standing before the Divine Presence that is approaching!

Avimi had five grown sons, and when his father - Rabbi Abahu - would knock on his door, Avimi would run to open it himself, not allowing anyone else to do so. And while going to the door, Avimi would repeatedly call out: "Yes, yes, Father, I'm coming, I'm opening..." (Kiddushin 31b)

The Ben Ish Chai explains that Avimi sought to fulfill the great commandment of honoring his father not only through action but also through speech, so as not to divert his attention from fulfilling the commandment!

Once his father asked him to bring water to drink. Avimi went to fetch it, but when he returned, he found his father dozing. Avimi did not simply place the cup next to his father and leave, as that would not be respectful, but stood before his father like a servant before his master with the cup in his hand, waiting for him to awaken! [And while standing and waiting, he was blessed with a new Torah insight on a matter he had previously been unable to understand. From this we learn that one should not think he is losing time from Torah study when he needs to attend to honoring his parents; rather, he should know that Hashem will not withhold good from those who walk in integrity, and will send him blessing in his time, enabling him to succeed even more in Torah. Also, the long life promised by the Torah for this mitzvah comes to restore the time spent honoring parents, so that nothing is lost from Torah study.] (Kiddushin 31b)

Rabbi Ishmael's mother complained about her son to our sages. She said to them: Rebuke my son Rabbi Ishmael, for he does not show me proper respect! The faces of our sages turned pale, and they said: Could it be that Rabbi Ishmael does not honor his mother?! They asked her: Please tell us, how does he fail to honor you? She said to them: When he returns from the study hall, I want to wash his feet and drink that water, infused with the labor of Torah! But he doesn't allow me to do this... The sages said to Rabbi Ishmael: Since this is her desire - it is her honor! (Tosafot Kiddushin 31b)

To the Best of Our Ability

Rabbi Zeira was an orphan who had lost both parents, and he would grieve and say: If only I had a father and mother whom I could honor, and thereby merit the Garden of Eden! However, when he heard the teachings of our sages mentioned above, he said: Thank Hashem that I have neither father nor mother, for perhaps I would not have been able to honor them as much as Rabbi Tarfon did. And to do as Rabbi Ishmael did, allowing his mother to drink the water used to wash his feet - I wouldn't be capable of that either! (Jerusalem Talmud Peah Chapter 1, Law 1)

Indeed, in truth, no matter how much one honors their parents, they will never reach the perfection of the commandment to honor father and mother, for Hashem has equated their honor to His honor and their reverence to His reverence! But of course, this should not weaken or discourage a person, Heaven forbid, but only give us the correct understanding that there is no measure or limit to this commandment. On the contrary, each person should strive and strengthen themselves in it to the best of their ability, as our Sages said (Avot 2:16): "It is not your duty to complete the work, yet you are not free to desist from it!"

This is similar to what we say in "Nishmat Kol Chai": "Even if our mouths were filled with song as the sea, and our tongues with exultation as the multitude of its waves, and our lips with praise as the expanses of the firmament, and our eyes shining like the sun and the moon, and our hands spread out like the eagles of heaven, and our feet as swift as deer - we would still be unable to thank You and bless Your name..." But on the other hand, we continue and say: "Therefore, the limbs that You have distributed within us, and the spirit and soul that You have breathed into our nostrils, and the tongue that You have placed in our mouth - they shall thank and bless and praise and glorify..."? Rather, we praise according to our ability, according to what is within our reach, and our modest praise is received favorably before Hashem.

So too with honoring parents, the perfection of this commandment is without measure or limit, but when a person tries their best according to their ability - certainly their actions are received favorably before Hashem.

Hold Fast to Instruction

Here are words of encouragement and guidance from our sages on fulfilling the commandment of honoring parents:

* "A person should not see his father and mother walking in tattered clothes, but should clothe them in nice garments. If one dresses himself in clothes worth five maneh, he should dress his father and mother in clothes worth ten maneh, and likewise choose for them all good paths." (Tanna Devei Eliyahu Rabbah Chapter 27)

* "Honor your father and your mother - honor them with all types of honor, gladden them with good deeds..." (Zohar Shemot 93a)

* "Proper conduct for a person with his father and mother - he should listen and hear their commandments, and fulfill his father's will, and honor him with all possible honor. His speech with them should be with shame and modesty, and he should speak to them only gently and pleadingly. And if the father needs something from his son, he should fulfill all his needs with a good heart, and not mention before his father the good that he has done for him." (Reishit Chochmah, Chapter Derech Eretz Gate 4)

* Included in honoring them - that one should give to them with a gracious heart, as they gave to him, and not with a cruel heart. And he should love them with intense love, as they loved him, and they should not be a burden or heavy load upon him! (Sefer Charedim Ch. 9:37)

* The Pele Yoetz wrote: I have already said that there are mitzvot that have "mazal" (fortune). For how much money does a person spend to do the opening of the ark, or to be a sandak [at a circumcision] and the like, even though these involve no commandment from the Torah or from the Sages, but only an enhancement of the mitzvah, fortunate are Israel! And for every time that one listens to the voice of his father and mother - he fulfills a great commandment from the Torah!" It is fitting for a wise son to make his father happy, and to desire that his father command him to do something so that he can do it and fulfill the Torah's commandment... And the whole purpose of an intelligent son should be to know what his father's will is, in order to do it and bring satisfaction to his Father in heaven. And if Hashem has blessed him with wealth, and his father is a poor man, it is incumbent upon him to support him and supply all his needs with a pleasant countenance, with words of appeasement, and in a respectful manner. And if he has household members, he should command all of them emphatically to be careful about their honor..."