Honoring Parents and Gratitude: A Lifelong Mission of the Jewish People

A guest was invited to spend Shabbat at the Cohen family's home. He arrived and knocked gently on the door. - How nice of them to invite me! They appreciate me, think of me, respect me, and invite me!

The family opened the door joyfully. - Ah... how happy they are to see me, what a warm welcome!

The house was clean and polished, the floor gleaming, a pristine tablecloth spread on the table, beautiful dishes arranged tastefully, elegant napkins placed in tall glasses. - What effort! What attention to every detail! It's clear they went above and beyond to give me a pleasant experience!

The Shabbat meal was truly fit for royalty. Fragrant challah, a variety of salads, excellent dishes, special drinks, compotes and desserts, cakes and cookies, fruits and nuts. - Unbelievable how much they've done for me! They must have done extra shopping, certainly incurring significant expense! They carried and lifted, arranged and organized, washed and peeled, fried and cooked, kneaded and baked, decorated and prepared. Simply incredible, good for them!

And what service, what attention! The hostess works so hard to serve more and more, keeping an eye out to make sure I lack nothing, the host urges me to eat, it's obvious they're doing everything to ensure I feel good and comfortable!

The Shabbat passed with the guest constantly amazed by the wonderful hospitality: the pleasant room they had prepared especially for him, the comfortable bed they had readied, the warm reception, the rich meals, the hot drinks they made sure to serve him, and finally - after Shabbat, the host took special trouble to drive him home in his car! 'No doubt, they worked and strived for me above and beyond!'

The following Shabbat, another guest was invited to spend Shabbat at the Cohen family's home. He too knocked on the door. - They invited me for Shabbat. Yes, it's well known that the Cohen family likes to invite guests. Some people are like that, it makes them feel good. Creates a more festive, more interesting atmosphere. So this Shabbat they found me.

The family opened the door joyfully. - That's nice of me, I've made Jews happy, I'm surely fulfilling a mitzvah...

The house was clean and polished, the floor gleaming, a pristine tablecloth spread on the table, beautiful dishes arranged tastefully, elegant napkins placed in tall glasses. - Yes, they are certainly organized and orderly people, and they have a beautiful home. And what a large table they need for all the family members, without the evil eye, may they increase. So what did they actually do for me? Well, they added just one more plate...

The Shabbat meal was truly fit for royalty. Fragrant challah, a variety of salads, excellent dishes, special drinks, compotes and desserts, cakes and cookies, fruits and nuts. - These people know how to eat, no doubt about it! They know how to cook well and eat well. And with such abundance, one guest makes absolutely no difference!

The Shabbat passed. Nice rooms, comfortable beds, food in abundance and good taste. Nothing to say, these people "live well," as they say. Excellent standard of living. - Yes, they certainly tried to ensure I would enjoy myself and feel good. After all, they invited a guest, so they have to honor themselves, right?! And after Shabbat, the host probably wanted to get some fresh air or had some errands to run, so he gave me a lift home on his way...

* * *

The same family, the same hospitality, the same conditions, the same treatment - yet what different perspectives!

Is this merely a matter of different "points of view," or is there a deeper root hidden here?

What is the root of ingratitude?

Our Sages said (Berachot 58a): "What does a good guest say? 'How much trouble did the host take for me! How much meat he brought before me! How much wine he brought before me! How many cakes he brought before me! And all the trouble he took, he took only for me.' But what does a bad guest say? 'What trouble did this host take? I ate one piece of bread, I ate one piece of meat, I drank one cup. All the trouble this host took, he took only for his wife and children!'"

Our Sages did not come to teach us merely a chapter in guest-host etiquette, but to teach us about two opposing worldviews that have far-reaching implications for our entire perception of life: there is the grateful person versus the ingrate.

Let's consider: what is the root of ingratitude? Someone did you a favor - why not thank them? What causes a person to deny the good they received, instead of acknowledging it?

The answer is that in every person's egotistical nature, there is an inherent desire for independence, for self-sufficiency! When they receive a favor, something of their selfhood and independence is undermined, their self-perception diminishes, their "pride" is wounded. What do they do to regain "equilibrium"? They have two paths before them:

The good and natural way is when a person recognizes and acknowledges the good done for them - they feel a need to reciprocate the favor to their friend. Through this, they restore their sense of independence, and their feeling becomes "balanced."

We're familiar with the concept of a 'patsy.' It's easy for us to ask for two eggs from the neighbor who borrowed a cup of sugar from us yesterday. But the neighbor who doesn't ask us for any favors, we also refrain from asking anything from them. Why? What do I care? Will they yell at me? Get angry with me? Demand something from me? Will our relationship deteriorate? Certainly not! It's quite possible they would do it happily and with a smile, so what prevents me from approaching them? It is the sense of selfhood that doesn't allow a person to just take and take without giving; they cannot do it, it "diminishes" them.

Recognizing the good done for me - is necessarily a binding feeling. And even if in practice I couldn't return the favor, I will feel a sense of obligation and appreciation toward my benefactor!

But what will a person do who doesn't want to feel obligated? For whom this emotional burden is too heavy? Here the only way out is to choose the second path, which is: to deny the good, not to recognize it at all, not to admit that someone did me a favor! To find excuses and claims as to why they didn't actually do me a favor! Such as:

• Yes, he did me a favor, but I paid him for it.
• I once did him a favor too, so he should thank me!
• What did he really do for me? The favor he did didn't cost him any special effort.
• He didn't intend it for my benefit at all, he did it solely for his own pleasure.

With such claims and others, a person manages to shake off the feeling of obligation that comes with receiving a favor from another.

Levels of Gratitude

Thus, two extremes stand opposite each other:

Gratitude - acknowledging that someone did me a favor, which leads to a feeling of obligation.

Versus: Ingratitude - denying and not acknowledging the favor, and shirking any obligation.

And between these two extremes, there are of course intermediate levels, where most people usually find themselves.

The Foundation of the Jew - Acknowledging Hashem and His Goodness

And here we come to the important point regarding the trait of gratitude! It is what our Sages said (Mishnat Rabbi Eliezer 7): "Why does the Scripture punish ingrates more severely? Because it is akin to denying Hashem. This person denies the good of his friend, tomorrow he will deny the good of his Creator!"

Our Sages taught us that the trait of gratitude is not limited only to a person's relationship with society, but extends and expands even to their relationship with the Creator of the world! When a person recognizes the good bestowed upon them by the Creator, recognizes that all their life and being depend solely on Him, this obligates them! They feel that they must fulfill the Creator's expectations of them, obey His instructions, be subject to His will. But a person who finds it difficult to feel such obligation, what will they do? They cannot acknowledge the good and at the same time not feel obligated. They must therefore deny the good. Find claims and justifications, and from here the ground is fertile for all kinds of heretical theories. It is better for them to be a developed ape, a purposeless creature, living in a world created by cosmic explosions, than to recognize the obligating fact that they are dependent on the Creator and subject to Him!

This denial - this is the extreme side of ingratitude toward Hashem. Blessed is our God who has separated us from those who stray, and we do not have, heaven forbid, thoughts of denial of this kind in our hearts. And yet, in practice, the struggle to recognize the good that the Creator does for us - is a daily struggle for every person! Why?

The Pachad Yitzchak writes: In the wild nature of every person, there is hidden the assumption of "my strength and the might of my hand have made me all this wealth"! This is a strong inner feeling that is difficult for a person to detach from. (Essay 2, Letter 5)

When a person succeeds in life, things 'go well,' success flows - usually this feeling strengthens and intensifies within them, the feeling that everything comes from their own strength, it is difficult for them to recognize and acknowledge Hashem's goodness toward them. Consequently, their sense of obligation and self-effacement diminishes.

Let's take as an example a successful supermarket owner. Thank Hashem, customers are flowing in, the cash registers are filling up, the bank account is swelling. Into his heart creeps that human [foolish! Oh, how foolish!] feeling - of pride, "my strength and the might of my hand." It is difficult for him to feel with deep inner conviction, the full recognition of Hashem's goodness toward him. The inner feeling tends to attribute success - to himself. Of course, he will readily utter the words "with Hashem's help," "blessed be Hashem," and "praise to the Creator," but not with the same deep inner feeling.

Automatically - his sense of self-effacement also diminishes. It will be harder for him to subjugate his will to Hashem's will. For example: now he faces a test - sunset is approaching, he needs to close the store and go to the synagogue to pray the Mincha prayer, and right now customers are flowing in, who will surely turn to his nearby competitor when the store closes! It is very likely that he will not withstand this test, because his inner feeling is "I am the boss," "I am the successful one," it is hard for him to bend and subjugate his will.

But in contrast, another supermarket owner, who has indeed worked on himself, and reached a stronger recognition of the Creator's goodness toward him, that it is He who sends him customers and brings him his livelihood in abundance [not just in words, but in a true inner feeling!] - if he reaches such a test, he will have no difficulty at all in closing the store, because he feels that his livelihood is only from Hashem, the addition of his efforts at the expense of the commandments will not increase his livelihood at all, and on the contrary, it will detract more, so he has nothing to do but obey Hashem's will.

It turns out that we are always in a struggle of: gratitude - obligation, self-effacement and subjugation toward Hashem - fulfilling His commandments. Versus: lack of recognition of good - lack of obligation, in the stubbornness of my heart I will go.

This is not a simple life's work, and one can say that this is in fact the essence of our life's work. Various trials, difficulties, challenges that stand before us and require us to bend - all these educate us to recognize Hashem, His goodness toward us, and our dependence on Him. And as the Ramban writes (end of Parshat Bo): "The purpose of all the commandments is that we should believe in our God and thank Him for creating us. And this is the purpose of creation, for we have no other reason for the first creation, and the supreme God has no desire in the lower beings, except that man should know and thank his God who created him..."

A Jew is called a Jew (Yehudi), based on what? On the basis of acknowledgment (hoda'ah), that they recognize and thank the Creator of the world and His infinite goodness toward them. This is the foundation of Judaism.

We find, therefore, that the trait of gratitude - is a necessary and essential trait for the Jew, and it is the basis for complete faith in Hashem. This is a trait in which one can achieve different levels, some more excellent and some less. In order to develop and nurture it more and more, a person must first of all instill in their heart gratitude toward those around them, and from there they will reach gratitude to Hashem.