Honoring Parents: The Need for Self-Restraint and Acceptance of Authority

The verse says (Job 11:12): "Though a wild donkey's colt is born a man." "Wild" refers to something unformed, without boundaries, breaking through to whatever it desires - like "wild vegetation" that grows without supervision and direction. Similarly, a small child - by nature has no restraint or limitations. His entire world revolves around his gratifications, desires, and wants; everything is subjugated to him, and he has no obligations.

If he continues to grow without guidance and direction, without clear boundaries and acceptance of authority, he will eventually transform from a small "wild colt" into a large donkey. The entire world is enslaved to his desires, any means are valid to achieve his cravings, he follows his heart's stubbornness, and there is no one to tell him what to do. If he is intelligent, he will wrap his "wildness" in beautiful packaging, he might even be polite and "refined," but in essence he remains "wild," without any true self-restraint.

However, a Jewish person is required in life to exercise a great deal of self-restraint, to accept the yoke of Heaven, to fulfill commandments, and to nullify his will before the will of Hashem. How can a person achieve this? The foundation and basis for this is the commandment of "honoring parents." First and foremost, a child must learn to accept parental authority, receive discipline from them and obey them, thereby training his soul from childhood in self-restraint.

Thus it is written in the Torah (Leviticus 19:2-3): "You shall be holy, for I, Hashem your God, am holy. Every person shall revere his mother and his father..." Rabbeinu Bachya says: This portion is a warning to all Israel to be abstinent and restrained in their character traits. The verse reveals how a person should be educated for this, for isn't it natural to be drawn after one's desires and cravings? The way to bridle desires and fence in character traits is: "Every person shall revere his mother and his father" - to recognize the authority and exaltedness of parents! When there is an authority to which one is subordinate, this is the guarantee for restraining desires and overcoming impulses!

An Existential Need for Humans

A common thought is that the commandment to "honor parents" is a kind of privilege for parents for their trouble in raising children - a sort of "service fee," for the benefit and pleasure of the parents. But in truth, the commandment to "honor parents" - more than it benefits the parents - is a wonderful gift and necessary, essential tool for healthy growth - especially for the children.

For a child to grow up healthy in body and soul, he needs "strong backing," parental authority that will guide him, set clear boundaries, instruct him on what is permitted and what is forbidden, require him to do certain actions, and forbid him from doing others. Through this, the child feels that he has someone to rely on, someone guiding him on his path in life, someone who knows what is good for him and what he should avoid. Therefore, even when a child resists parental authority, it is only an attempt on his part to test how strong they are, but in his subconscious, he expects his parents to stand their ground and not give in to him.

For example: A three or four-year-old child asks for candy and is met with refusal. Now he begins to test his parents to see how serious their refusal is. He whimpers, throws a tantrum, lies on the floor, kicks, and raises a great and bitter cry. If the parent stands firm - the child is indeed disappointed at not getting the candy, but he feels a sense of security, knowing his parents want what's best for him, they know better than he what is good for him, and look - they are also strong enough to stand their ground. But if the parent gives in - it's very unfortunate! The child's sense of security in his parents is damaged. Now the child feels: I have defeated my parents, which means they are less strong than I am. And if so, how pitiful and helpless he is - who will guide him on his path in life?! If such "concessions" continue to occur again and again, it can severely damage the child's psyche.

Besides this, a child who grows up without accepting the discipline and clear authority of parents finds his daily functioning impaired: he doesn't sleep on time, his nutrition is not balanced and healthy, his academic achievements decline, and so on.

Therefore, parents do only good and kindness for their children when they properly educate them to fulfill the commandment of "honoring parents"!

So wrote the book Tzeidah La'derech (about 700 years ago, Fourth Article Ch. 5): "'Honor your father and your mother,' this commandment is a great necessity for the correction of body and soul, because man is born a wild donkey colt, therefore he needs to listen to the voice of his teachers who are his father and mother, and through this the order of man will be perfected."

It is interesting to mention in this context a study conducted under the auspices of the UN. A long and comprehensive study, rare in its scope, which concluded a little over ten years ago. 1,800 orphaned teenagers from around the world - Europe, the United States, and South America - youths sheltered in orphanages, were examined over 12 years. The monitoring and formulation of conclusions were conducted by the best professionals in the field. (Cited in the book 'Contemplation and Action' page 111)

The teenagers were divided into two groups: one that received modern - permissive - liberal education, and the other authoritative - disciplinary education, 'in the old style.' All were educated by good and dedicated educators, professionals in the field of education. They were closely monitored from the age of twelve until the age of twenty-four.

The findings of the monitoring astonished the researchers! It turned out that the educational success among teenagers who received authoritative education was more than eight times (!) greater than those who were given liberal education. The success stood out in every possible area examined. Every area that could be examined proved unequivocally that 'liberal' education is the infrastructure that breeds personal and educational destruction: lack of personal and social confidence, neuroses [-nervousness, mental disturbance], fears - 2.8 times higher among the permissive group. Delinquency - 2.1 times higher. Conversely: personal success in academics, business, etc. - twice as high among the conservatives. Mental balance, morality, as well as personal and economic success - all these fell to those who received "old-fashioned" authoritative education, and by a significant margin!

Discipline is therefore required not only as an educational necessity but also to raise emotionally balanced adults who are confident in themselves and their abilities, capable of setting challenges for themselves and meeting them!