Intellect vs. Heart: Why Command the Honoring of Parents?

A question asked: The commandment to honor parents - a commandment so self-evident, so obligatory, so agreeable to the heart. A simple moral duty, a social convention throughout the world! Why is there a need to command it? And further - to mention it during such a grand and sublime moment? The entire world silent, the people of Israel alert, the nations of the world listening, all waiting to hear the one-of-a-kind heavenly message in history. And here it is - such a simple and obvious command, such an elementary human principle?!

Indeed, our Sages testify that there are some gentiles who have also excelled wonderfully in honoring their parents!

Once they asked Rabbi Eliezer, to what extent should one honor one's father and mother? He replied: You're asking me? Go and ask Dama ben Netina from Ashkelon.

Dama was an important and respected gentile. Once, while serving as the head of the Roman army, he was sitting among Roman nobles, dressed in expensive golden attire. Suddenly his mother, who was not mentally sound, arrived and slapped him on the cheek in front of everyone because he had not come to serve her as was his custom! While she was still angry and furious, her sandal fell from her hand. Dama handed the sandal back to her so she wouldn't be distressed, and did not embarrass her!

The Sages further relate that once a jasper stone was lost from the breastplate of the High Priest [the High Priest wore a golden breastplate on his chest, containing twelve precious stones, corresponding to the tribes of Israel: ruby, topaz, emerald, turquoise, sapphire, diamond, leshem, agate, amethyst, beryl, onyx, and jasper. The jasper stone corresponds to Benjamin who excelled in the virtue of silence - yesh (has) peh (mouth) yet he remains silent], and since the High Priest cannot serve in the Temple without it, the Sages tried to quickly find such a stone. They heard that Dama ben Netina from Ashkelon had such a stone, and they hurried to visit him. Dama was indeed willing to sell them the stone for sixty myriads of gold dinars. He went to fetch the stone, but then saw that his father was sleeping with his feet stretched out on the chest containing the stone. He returned to the Sages and informed them that at the moment, he could not give them the stone. They thought he wanted a higher price and doubled their offer! But Dama maintained his refusal. The Sages tried to raise the price again and again! - yet he stood firm in his refusal. Seeing this, they turned to leave.

When his father awoke, Dama called the Sages and said: Now I am ready to sell you the stone. The Sages wanted to pay the last price they had offered, but Dama said to them: Would I sell you the honor of my father for money?! I derive no benefit from the honor of my ancestors!

What reward did Hashem give him? The following year, his cow gave birth to a red heifer, and the Israelites gave him a great amount of gold equal to its weight! (Jerusalem Talmud Peah Chapter 1:1, Kiddushin 31a, Tosafot and Yad David there)

Lessons of the Red Heifer

Here we have a unique kind of parental honoring - by a gentile! A moral person, with a healthy conscience - who indeed honored his parents perfectly! What is missing here? What is still the difference between a gentile's honoring of parents and a Jew's honoring of parents?

The answer to this is hidden precisely at the end of the story - Dama ben Netina received a "red heifer" as his reward, and the Israelites gave him a great amount of gold equal to its weight.

The red heifer is needed by Israel to use its ashes for purifying those who are impure from contact with the dead. What is amazing is that those very ashes, which purify the impure - defile the pure individuals involved in its preparation! Indeed, the nations of the world would mock Israel for fulfilling this commandment, which seems to contradict itself. Therefore it is written about this commandment: "This is the statute of the Torah"! Telling us: "I have decreed a statute, I have issued a decree, and you have no permission to question it!", even though you don't understand its reason - you must fulfill it because it is the "King's decree". (Numbers Chapter 19 and its commentaries)

Even King Solomon, the wisest of all men, tried to understand the reason for the commandment of the red heifer, and could not grasp it, as he said (Ecclesiastes 7:23): "I said I would be wise - but it was far from me!" But although its reason is beyond our understanding, nevertheless the people of Israel fulfill this commandment with love and affection, and are willing to pay for it with the best of their money!

And why? Because a Jew understands that he does not understand. A Jew knows that in every commandment of Hashem - there is reason and cause, purpose and intent. And who can stand in the counsel of Hashem?!

The Revealed - Concealed!

This applies not only to laws that we don't understand. Even for commandments that are understandable to our intellect - there are layers much deeper than what appears to our eyes. We may understand the "outer layer", the simple level of the commandment, but beneath it lie layers of immeasurable depth.

The wax museum, have you ever visited? You certainly met the Prime Minister and the Minister of Defense there, perhaps you even came face to face with the first President... Well, please tell me, what's the difference between a real person and a wax figure, don't they look identical?

A ridiculous question, isn't it?! This, says Maimonides in Iggeret Teiman, is the difference between the laws of gentiles and - to distinguish between sacred and profane - the laws of the Torah. There are laws and instructions that indeed outwardly look identical, but in truth, it's truly shallow and ridiculous to compare them, and it's like comparing a real person to a wax figure. Any sensible person understands that the wax figure is only an imitation of the external appearance of the person. But for a real person - under the external layer there is a marvelous system of sinews and vessels, complex and interwoven systems of heart and lungs, kidneys and spleen, intestines and bowels, bones and nerves. And above all - brain and senses, consciousness and memory, experiences and emotions, intellect and soul - none of which exist in the raw wax figure! (Machshevet HaTaharah page 11)

Similarly - even among gentiles there are indeed laws and customs, manners and conventions: not to steal, not to murder, to honor parents and so on. But that same law itself, that same custom itself - when it is written in the Torah, it is something completely different. Hashem's commandment has layers of endless depth! Far beyond the simple and understandable external layer visible before our eyes. And in Maimonides' words: "The divine religion - its wisdom is in its inner depths."

This is what the poet established in the liturgical poem about the red heifer: "One cannot investigate the secret of your riddles, for the explicit - are obscure, and the revealed - concealed, the clear - sealed."

Even the commandment to honor parents - true, it has a simple and understandable reason of gratitude, morality, and decency, but that is only the simple level, the external layer. The wise men of Kabbalah [also called "the inner dimension of the Torah"] know that within the inner dimension of this commandment, there are hidden secrets in the orders of world governance, upper worlds depend on it, sublime repairs are connected to it. We have no tools to understand this! - "Can you find out the deep things of Hashem? Can you reach to the purpose of the Almighty?! It is as high as heaven; what can you do? Deeper than the netherworld; what can you know?!" (Job Chapter 11 verses 7-8)

A person who honors his parents only because it flows naturally from his conscience, only because he understands that's what should be done - that's good and nice, but it's still not perfect. He has only succeeded in grasping the superficial level, the external wrapper. But the main fulfillment of the commandment should be - first and foremost - because of Hashem's command, as written in the Torah: "Honor your father and your mother - as Hashem your God has commanded you"!

Fulfilling the commandment for the sake of the commandment - this is what is indeed missing among gentiles. Dama ben Netina fulfilled "honoring parents" with perfect action, but the main thing was missing - fulfilling the commandment because of Hashem's command! A person who fulfills a commandment only because reason dictates it, or only because his feelings compel him to do so, is not so worthy of receiving reward for it, for he has performed a natural act. But a person who nullifies his will before the will of Hashem, a person who fulfills a commandment out of a sense of humility and submission, "for the sake of unifying the Holy One, blessed be He", he is worthy of immeasurable reward! (Me'am Loez)